Oh Hell No You Didn't » weird shit

Breast milk cheese, tit milk cheese… boob cheddar!!

Big S — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:50:12 +0000

As I travel this vast land of the internet I sometimes stumbled across the cyber version of a drunk at a Waffle House talking about aliens. On this day I found someone speaking of the sheer and udder (wait for the pun, its coming) what-the-fuckery of Breast Milk Cheese. You heard me damnit! Breast milk cheese, tit milk cheese… boob cheddar!! Tatta Gouda!!

Now I have eaten some crazy shit, but I am not sure I can pull this one off. And I am sure that it tastes… nice. I mean I like boobs, boobs are great! They are soft and snuggly, and when you pinch the nipples real hard they poke at you. But Honestly I cannot get over the thought of chick cheese. And once you open that door you can’t close it. I have spent the last day trying to picture lactating females in one of those milking stalls with two breast pumps stuck on their girly bits. And is it Vegan? Is it fair trade? Can you get organic, vegan, fair trade boob cheese?? I want to ask for that at Whole Foods just to fuck with the snooty cheese dude. I want to talk about it a whole lot and then have a wine and cheese party to see if anyone shows up.

Big S drinks the nasty asian basil seed drink

Big S — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:04:28 +0000

So yeah that part I said about taking challenges? Yeah, well I take it all back. Someone challenged me to try those strange Asian drinks that have shit floating in them. You know the ones that people look at and say “omfg who in their right mind would drink that shit?” Well the answer is, me… however the right mind part is in serious question.

Lets start shall we?

That’s right Basil Seed. Who the hell knew there are seeds in Basil?

Even as I look at this picture I can feel my stomach rise up and kick me in the throat. Dear lord and god why? Thousands of seamen flavored seeds of goo floating in this thick gelatinous “drink”. They had the texture of kiwi seeds and the taste of salty man spuge. This is what Christians should give their children to prevent premarital sex. I just want those seeds to start attacking each other like you see in those weird science videos.

This is about the time we moved the trash can directly in front of me.

Next is Yan Wo Drink..

Apparently Yan Wo translates to funk of bird’s ass..

I kid you not.. I am about to drink birds’ nest. Now.. I know I should not judge but fuck it.. I am American. BIRDS NEST? What no good old preservatives lying around? Instead I get to drink bottled bird mattress. I am drinking some birds two-room bungalow fron fanous Thailand! WTF? Well my lungs have been feeling a little dry, so I will give it a try. And we won’t even talk about my skins.

Apparently they left the bird funk in the can… that I drank. Like a dumb ass.

I think I just swallowed a pigeon’s sofa..

I can’t even explain what this tasted like. Much like sucking Basil Seed Juice off of a bird’s ass. The only thing this thing is good for is chasing those nasty ass demon beans I ate last week.

Next installment I take on Peanut Drink…

Big S eats the nasty dried asian bean “stuff”

Big S — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:54:21 +0000

As some of you know I love Asian snacks (hush Benny, wait till story time is over) and I frequent the Grand Asian Market as often as possible. Recently I picked up this little jewel.

No visible English on the package, but from the picture you can see that it is some sort of dried bean snack. If you ever frequent Asian markets you know that you should always check the ingredients cause lord knows what you may be eating. This one was no exception.

Notice that its says “spicy stuff”. Now exactly what is that stuff? Is stuff FDA approved? Is that all natural stuff? Organic stuff? Genetically engineered stuff? Is it stuff that would piss off Peta? Is it stuff you found in the bathroom at Flex? Can you be a little more specific about your stuff? I mean I know that Heather and I use the term stuff as in, “girl you going to fuck around with that girl and mess up your stuff” or “ that bitch punched me in my stuff” also, “that bitch made my stuff itch”… WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED.
Annnnnnnnnnnyway.. yeah it has spicy stuff in it. Now this just became a challenge as I had no idea what the stuff is I have to see what the stuff tastes like.
Well here is what the stuff looked like,

From here out this will be known as the demon bean. Little evil gnarled up ugly ass bean. Here is the demon bean with its demon horde of little evil gnarled up crusty ass beans.

The smell was much like nutmeg, Chinese five spice, cinnamon, cumin, and moldy hobo ass. The taste was like eating nutmeg, Chinese five spice, cinnamon, and cumin out of a moldy hobo’s ass.

After choking down the foul mixture I determined that the actual definition of “spicy stuff” is in fact moldy hobo ass. I am going to go scrape my tongue off with a wire brush now. However this whole thing was pretty damn funny so I may start accepting challenges from the audience.