Some shit just can’t be made up, no matter how hard you try. So you just shot a baby from your crotch, what is the first thing you do? Why you salvage the placenta and tann it and then stuff it full of lovely fluff and sew it into a teddy hear! What did you think I was going to say? Properly place it in the medical waste bin? Tear into it like a rabid animal to the horror of your doctor? No the only fitting thing is to make your child a token of “OH HELL NO YOU DIDN’T! MY FRIENDS ARE NEVER COMING OVER!!!”.  I mean all you have to do is “… cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear”, I mean how simple and non-throwing up in your mouth is that.

Now with that disclaimer out of the way let me tell you the story of Anne Hathaway and my awesome bff Zorka.  Tonight as we watched the fiasco that is 24 hour news networks we heard the following

“Outside the pristine white walls of the emergency room at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, the valets stood idle this afternoon and dark-suited men moved back and forth between the entrance and black SUVs.

Two groups of fraternity members blasted Michael Jackson songs from dueling banks of boom boxes outside the emergency room entrance.

In the circular driveway, a woman who identified herself as Michael Jackson’s cousin waited pensively with a friend. A harried man in a suit got out of his car and barked into his cellphone: “Did Latoya come in?”

Suddenly, the sound of Jackson’s music blared from speakers erected on the balcony of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity house across the street.

“Oh, now they’re playing Michael Jackson,” the suited man declared in exasperation into his phone.

As the music continued, a gaggle of crying young girls gathered in the emergency room driveway until police moved them and all the other bystanders back onto the sidewalk. There seemed to be a waiting game for members of Jackson’s family.

“Janet hasn’t gotten here yet,” the cousin said into her cellphone.

Everyone seemed to want to get a glimpse of the family members. As the crowd, grew the Jackson’s hit “Human Nature” wafted through the air from the speakers.”

Zorka looks at me and very innocently, yet slightly sarcastically replies “awwww, maybe he will hear it and come back”.  I giggle and look her “Are you crying????”. “No” she responds, almost offended. ” Well, you did cry over a dress once” I say looking at her mockingly.  She looks at me with tears filling her eyes, ” It was a beautiful dress! Fuck you!”.  Being the little bitch I am, I run to facebook and post it as a status, which earns me yet another FU.

I guess everyone one has their triggers that brings the water works. For me, it was the last 5 mins of K-9 when Jerry Lee gets shot and James Balushi takes him to the ER and threatens the doc with a gun if he doesn’t treat his dog. I cried like a bitch. For Zorka it is the impeccable styling of a glorious gown. For the some it is the passing of a musical icon. For others it was the passing of the hottest Charlies Angel of them all.  Not to forget heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeessssss Johnny! It’s been a rough week for icons.