So Rainbow Brite apparently was given a makeover… by a ho. Some asshat at Hallmark decided that the heroine of my youth needed to be sexualized so she would be more acceptable to a younger generation of children that clearly only respond to tramps. What was once our round faced, adorable defender of colors, has now become the bastard child of Barbie’s one night stand with the Justin Timberlake looking doll from the Bratz collection. Lost is the innocent young Wisp who laid the smack down on Murky Dismal, she is replaced with a new sleek, slender Rainbow Brite who looks more at home reading Marie Claire than riding Starlite, who by the way looks like an uppity bitch now. Next thing you know the Star Sprinkles will be replaced by Slut Dust and Red Butler will be wearing assless chaps. And it’s not just her; Strawberry Shortcake got ho’d out too! She no longer smells like Strawberry Shortcake, instead that scent has been replace by *insert pop princess name here* new perfume.

Besides taking a poo on the beloved icons of 80’s youth, what is this doing to kid’s body images? I mean in Strawberry Shortcake we had a homely ginger who could rock just as hard as Barbie and her unrealistic body proportions. She was surrounded by friends and her pets and was generally loved by all she met. She even had a nemesis who would try to steal her berries, The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak. She would throw a strawberry beating on him and it was all good in Strawberryland.

Okay so… honestly Strawberry Shortcake was a shit cartoon, but the point stands. Do we really have to sexualize everything to appeal to children? Shouldn’t we appeal to them with honesty, integrity, cute little faces, bravery and strength? Children see these cartoons and they want to be these characters. They want the clothes, toys and dolls. They want to wear the star belt and save the world. But to do that do you have to be a small svelte blond bimbo or can I pull it off as a brunette with curly hair that has chubby cheeks? To me children have always been like baking a cake, it’s only as good as the ingredients we use to make it. What do we give them? We give them an unrealistic body image to idolize and strive to become. You may as well give them a chopstick to shove down their throat so they can get used to the purging feeling.

God forbid that Hallmark gets hold of my vision of the old lady on the porch. She will have on a stripper outfit and will look like a 15 year old Asian prostitute.

The 0’Rileys of this world want you to think that if Wal-Mart says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas then we should boycott them and BUY our presents somewhere else. But why do we need Wal-Mart to justify the meaning of Christmas? Holidays bend and change as needed, just as the Christians (you will be) assimilated the pagan holidays, the heathens have stolen the Christian holidays. The heathens feel no pressure to include Jesus in a holiday that has come to represent gift giving and spending time with your loved ones. So what has Christmas evolved from and into? And why does the notion of Christmas and holidays belong solely to Christians?

The winter celebration seems to have started in Babylon as the feast of the Son of Isis, basically a celebrations, eating and drinking and gift giving. Sound familiar? Then there was Winter Solstice and Satunalia which pretty much followed the traditions of Babylon except they added Mummers, who are the bastard fathers of carolers. Even the Christmas tree found its roots in Winter Solstice.  So as Christianity became popular it is theorized that these pagan holidays and rituals were integrated with Christian lore to make the transition from pagan to Christian easier.

So today we have a holiday that is the bastard son of several pagan religions, which does not even fall on Jesus’s birthday, and has become focused on commercialism and one-upping your neighbor. So what is it really about now? Is it about Christ? Food? Gifts?  Sex under the Christmas tree? Friends and family? I say it is all subjective. Make it what you will! Make it a time to be a better person than you were the day before. These save Christmas nut jobs have no idea what the holiday is even about anymore. All they can see is threats from the shadows trying to take away their rights, rights they already gave away with their unsustainable fear of everything that is not like them. For better or worse we practice these rituals because they are traditions. They make us feel good, close those we love, to those we lost, they make us feel the comfort of the known.

And of course we are all hoping for a shit ton of presents this year. I would like a RC helicopter, porn and a PS3. Of course I need to wrap my house and anything that is not moving in Christmas lights. And I am going to need a blow up Christmas tree too, Oh! And nee of those old school plastic snow men… what were we talking about??

Some shit just can’t be made up, no matter how hard you try. So you just shot a baby from your crotch, what is the first thing you do? Why you salvage the placenta and tann it and then stuff it full of lovely fluff and sew it into a teddy hear! What did you think I was going to say? Properly place it in the medical waste bin? Tear into it like a rabid animal to the horror of your doctor? No the only fitting thing is to make your child a token of “OH HELL NO YOU DIDN’T! MY FRIENDS ARE NEVER COMING OVER!!!”.  I mean all you have to do is “… cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear”, I mean how simple and non-throwing up in your mouth is that.

This guy is my long lost father. His ability to rip lines of profanity give me a girl chub. Thank you Mr. Winnebago man, I will never own a Winnebago but if I blessed with a ignorant amount of money I will find you dear sir and line your pockets with fucking Jesus shit Christ fucking ass commission.

All I can say is I have a powerful need for a pork chop sandwich.

Charlie… stay the fuck away from Candy Mountain. Nothing good can come from it. This video proves that following your friends who are tripping on acid is never a good idea.

Oh Tom Cruise you used to be hot. Remember Top Gun?? I wanted to hump your leg, how I want to hump your leg but in a different more nasty Chihuahua kinda way. Scientology oh how I love your ability to make once awesome stars look like tool bags. I bow at your awesomeness.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LET YOUR FRIENDS TAPE YOU AT A REN FAIR. End of story.

And this last video… well lets just say that Obama doing blow off a hookers ass should never be caught on tape.

Here is the round up… have fun kids and keep the cameras rolling in 2010. God knows we need something to laugh at in this craptastic world.

I don’t know if this is real, there could be someone with a controller nearby playing… but I need it to be real. I need to live in a world where a fat ass bulldog can become a internet virtual skateboarding superstar. I need this in my life, like New Jersey needs to stop letting their residents get on TV

I have a Roomba, I have a cat, I have a dog… and this NEVER happens! Why?? I deserve a epic battle bots cat vs dog event in my house. We can take bets and fight them like chickens. Then you can call me Michael Vick and we can chest bump each other in a valiant show of machismo. Too far?

These guys have too much time on their hands, but that is pretty bad ass.

Now I have eaten some crazy shit, but I am not sure I can pull this one off.  And I am sure that it tastes… nice. I mean I like boobs, boobs are great! They are soft and snuggly, and when you pinch the nipples real hard they poke at you. But Honestly I cannot get over the thought of chick cheese. And once you open that door you can’t close it. I have spent the last day trying to picture lactating females in one of those milking stalls with two breast pumps stuck on their girly bits. And is it Vegan? Is it fair trade? Can you get organic, vegan, fair trade boob cheese?? I want to ask for that at Whole Foods just to fuck with the snooty cheese dude.  I want to talk about it a whole lot and then have a wine and cheese party to see if anyone shows up.

(Please open the article to see the flash file or player.)

The idea of warm, sweet and salty balls in my mouth makes me… a little less hungry. Really, not sure comparing your product to something that has been sweating in boxers is the best idea. Just saying, I am sure there are some ball craving nymphos out there, but generally most people not so big on the balls. Balls in your mouth or not, good work on the ads!

During this time there is one important thing to remember. DO NOT go home on your lunch and watch one of those Emergency Vets shows that plays on The Animal Planet. The title alone should warn you that this is not a good show to watch. At some point they will put a cute, fuzzy, and deeply loved animal to sleep. There will be crying children, sobbing adults, and heartfelt dialogue from Vets who wished they could have “done more” and talk about how the beloved pet was a “fighter” and you gave it the ultimate gift of “peace”. You will cry. You will snot up the house. Your eyes will swell up. You will spend the rest of the day reading stories off of the Lifetime website and crying. You will go home, put on the biggest sweatshirt and boxer shorts you have and watch Steel Magnolias, The Colour Purple, YaYa Sisterhood, Beaches, Fried Green Tomatoes and hell why not Old Yeller too. While balling into a bucket of Chocolate Fudge Ripple ice cream you will repeat certain movie lines over and over again, such as “Itchy tell me a story”, “dear lord, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away” and ” OPEN YOUR EYES SHELLY, OPEN, OPEN, OPEN, YOUR EYES SHELLY!!” Then you will call one of those adopt-a-poor-child-in-Africa-who-a-fly-on-its-eye-lid and you will in fact adopt-a-poor-child-in-Africa-who-a-fly-on-its-eye-lid. Sally Struthers will be so pleased.
*Eats more chocolate*

Re-posted and updated to take into consideration that Sarah Mclachlan and perfectly place kitten paws may very well be the downfall of womankind.

Lets start shall we?

That’s right Basil Seed. Who the hell knew there are seeds in Basil?

Even as I look at this picture I can feel my stomach rise up and kick me in the throat. Dear lord and god why? Thousands of seamen flavored seeds of goo floating in this thick gelatinous “drink”. They had the texture of kiwi seeds and the taste of salty man spuge. This is what Christians should give their children to prevent premarital sex. I just want those seeds to start attacking each other like you see in those weird science videos.

This is about the time we moved the trash can directly in front of me.

Next is Yan Wo Drink..

Apparently Yan Wo translates to funk of bird’s ass..

I kid you not.. I am about to drink birds’ nest. Now.. I know I should not judge but fuck it.. I am American. BIRDS NEST? What no good old preservatives lying around? Instead I get to drink bottled bird mattress. I am drinking some birds two-room bungalow fron fanous Thailand! WTF? Well my lungs have been feeling a little dry, so I will give it a try. And we won’t even talk about my skins.

Apparently they left the bird funk in the can… that I drank. Like a dumb ass.

I think I just swallowed a pigeon’s sofa..

I can’t even explain what this tasted like. Much like sucking Basil Seed Juice off of a bird’s ass. The only thing this thing is good for is chasing those nasty ass demon beans I ate last week.

Next installment I take on Peanut Drink…