I think its official. I have gotten old, like my parents got old kind of old, like sit on the porch and yell at passing kids old. I think it may be a combination of crotchety and old age creeping in prematurely. I really am okay with this though. When I was younger and more footloose and fancy free, I remember looking at the old women sitting on their porch as I made my Saturday morning ho walk of shame. I could practically hear the pages fall out of their bibles as I shuffled up the walkway, my t-shirt on inside out and backwards, walking on the bottoms of my worn jeans in my socks with one shoe in my hand and the other one missing (later to be found in the floorboard of someone named Sanchez’s car). I met their judging eyes and gossiping whispers with a huge smile and wave, and their audible gasp greeted me as if to say “yeah you’re a trashy sinning whore and the devil will own your soul one day”.  The modern, angry woman may be insulted by this, but all I felt was warm comfort (it didn’t hurt I had gotten laid the night before). I found joy in the thought that one day, I too would sit on my porch and cast judgment on the neighborhood drunks, whores, strippers, soccer moms, cheating fathers and the turntable apartment doors of the young lesbians that I would know so much more than cause I had done it all and made it through alive. I would sit there in the sun with my long braided gray hair, my partner and our horde of cats and dogs and make contemptuous observations and stand in judgment of all that I surveyed. It would be GRAND. I just needed to make it to old age.  Who knew that was 34. So with that, let’s begin.

So Rainbow Brite apparently was given a makeover… by a ho. Some asshat at Hallmark decided that the heroine of my youth needed to be sexualized so she would be more acceptable to a younger generation of children that clearly only respond to tramps. What was once our round faced, adorable defender of colors, has now become the bastard child of Barbie’s one night stand with the Justin Timberlake looking doll from the Bratz collection. Lost is the innocent young Wisp who laid the smack down on Murky Dismal, she is replaced with a new sleek, slender Rainbow Brite who looks more at home reading Marie Claire than riding Starlite, who by the way looks like an uppity bitch now. Next thing you know the Star Sprinkles will be replaced by Slut Dust and Red Butler will be wearing assless chaps. And it’s not just her; Strawberry Shortcake got ho’d out too! She no longer smells like Strawberry Shortcake, instead that scent has been replace by *insert pop princess name here* new perfume.

Besides taking a poo on the beloved icons of 80’s youth, what is this doing to kid’s body images? I mean in Strawberry Shortcake we had a homely ginger who could rock just as hard as Barbie and her unrealistic body proportions. She was surrounded by friends and her pets and was generally loved by all she met. She even had a nemesis who would try to steal her berries, The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak. She would throw a strawberry beating on him and it was all good in Strawberryland.

Okay so… honestly Strawberry Shortcake was a shit cartoon, but the point stands. Do we really have to sexualize everything to appeal to children? Shouldn’t we appeal to them with honesty, integrity, cute little faces, bravery and strength? Children see these cartoons and they want to be these characters. They want the clothes, toys and dolls. They want to wear the star belt and save the world. But to do that do you have to be a small svelte blond bimbo or can I pull it off as a brunette with curly hair that has chubby cheeks? To me children have always been like baking a cake, it’s only as good as the ingredients we use to make it. What do we give them? We give them an unrealistic body image to idolize and strive to become. You may as well give them a chopstick to shove down their throat so they can get used to the purging feeling.

God forbid that Hallmark gets hold of my vision of the old lady on the porch. She will have on a stripper outfit and will look like a 15 year old Asian prostitute.