So tomorrow is going to be crap. We have to discuss if dad can continue on the way he is. Right now he is still fighting on the Bi-Pap mask as they decided not to place him on the ventilator yet. The longer you are on the vent the harder it is to get off the vent. They are afraid that he will never get off if they intubate him. It also means that he next step is intubate via the trachea. And that is a one way street to Terri Schiavo land. I can deal with a lot of shit, but that ain’t one of them.  The problem is that his lungs are just too damaged to handle it on their own. Right now he is on the highest amount of oxygen they can give him, with the air compressor from hell pushing open his lungs and he is still unable to maintain a blood 02 level of more than 80%.  My personal hope is that the pneumonia will get better soon and we can continue to treat the lung damage, however it is harder and harder to see hope on the faces of the staff. I think they know something they are not telling me.

Honestly I am numb, the last two weeks have been so much to deal with. The idea of going through this without any family, dealing with the house and estate crap, the idea of putting dad in a home and the very real fact that he may not make it at all has just got my vaginal nuts all twisted. Loosing Mom SUCKED HUGE BIG DONKEY BALLS, but when a girl looses her dad, there is something different. Dads are superheroes, men of steel and virtue. Hard hands and big booming laughs, truck rides and kissed boo boos. I guess I will always be a daddy’s girl no matter how old I get.

He has been through so much,  seen so much love and pain, who am I to choose if he lives or dies. What makes it my right other than some sperm found a egg and I popped out? With mom it was easy cause she was my best friend. I had to do what was right for her. But for Dad, I am just his little girl.