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Tis the season to be?
Christmas is the reason for the season? Jesus is the reason for the season? Wasn’t Jesus born in March? What is the reason for the season? Big 
presents with elaborate bows? Stuffing yourself full of candy and ham? Is it putting on a big red suit and climbing down the chimney just to surprise your kids, only to get stuck in the chimney and die, not to be found until the family lights the fireplace for the first time and smells your stinking carcass? Wait… that was in Gremlins… anyway you get the idea.
The 0’Rileys of this world want you to think that if Wal-Mart says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas then we should boycott them and BUY our presents somewhere else. But why do we need Wal-Mart to justify the meaning of Christmas? Holidays bend and change as needed, just as the Christians (you will be) assimilated the pagan holidays, the heathens have stolen the Christian holidays. The heathens feel no pressure to include Jesus in a holiday that has come to represent gift giving and spending time with your loved ones. So what has Christmas evolved from and into? And why does the notion of Christmas and holidays belong solely to Christians?
The winter celebration seems to have started in Babylon as the feast of the Son of Isis, basically a celebrations, eating and drinking and gift giving. Sound familiar? Then there was Winter Solstice and Satunalia which pretty much followed the traditions of Babylon except they added Mummers, who are the bastard fathers of carolers. Even the Christmas tree found its roots in Winter Solstice. So as Christianity became popular it is theorized that these pagan holidays and rituals were integrated with Christian lore to make the transition from pagan to Christian easier.
So today we have a holiday that is the bastard son of several pagan religions, which does not even fall on Jesus’s birthday, and has become focused on commercialism and one-upping your neighbor. So what is it really about now? Is it about Christ? Food? Gifts? Sex under the Christmas tree? Friends and family? I say it is all subjective. Make it what you will! Make it a time to be a better person than you were the day before. These save Christmas nut jobs have no idea what the holiday is even about anymore. All they can see is threats from the shadows trying to take away their rights, rights they already gave away with their unsustainable fear of everything that is not like them. For better or worse we practice these rituals because they are traditions. They make us feel good, close those we love, to those we lost, they make us feel the comfort of the known.
And of course we are all hoping for a shit ton of presents this year. I would like a RC helicopter, porn and a PS3. Of course I need to wrap my house and anything that is not moving in Christmas lights. And I am going to need a blow up Christmas tree too, Oh! And nee of those old school plastic snow men… what were we talking about??
Placenta Teddy Bear, can you smell the what-the-fuckery???
Some shit just can’t be made up, no matter how hard you try. So you just shot a baby from your crotch, what is the first thing you do? Why you salvage the placenta and tann it and then stuff it full of lovely fluff and sew it into a teddy hear! What did you think I was going to say? Properly place it in the medical waste bin? Tear into it like a rabid animal to the horror of your doctor? No the only fitting thing is to make your child a token of “OH HELL NO YOU DIDN’T! MY FRIENDS ARE NEVER COMING OVER!!!”. I mean all you have to do is “… cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear”, I mean how simple and non-throwing up in your mouth is that.
Some of the best viral videos of the decade
These should keep you laughing for a bit. These are some of the best videos of the last 10 years. Thank you fucktards of the internet, without you our lives would be less… something or another.
This guy is my long lost father. His ability to rip lines of profanity give me a girl chub. Thank you Mr. Winnebago man, I will never own a Winnebago but if I blessed with a ignorant amount of money I will find you dear sir and line your pockets with fucking Jesus shit Christ fucking ass commission.
All I can say is I have a powerful need for a pork chop sandwich.
Charlie… stay the fuck away from Candy Mountain. Nothing good can come from it. This video proves that following your friends who are tripping on acid is never a good idea.
Oh Tom Cruise you used to be hot. Remember Top Gun?? I wanted to hump your leg, how I want to hump your leg but in a different more nasty Chihuahua kinda way. Scientology oh how I love your ability to make once awesome stars look like tool bags. I bow at your awesomeness.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LET YOUR FRIENDS TAPE YOU AT A REN FAIR. End of story.
And this last video… well lets just say that Obama doing blow off a hookers ass should never be caught on tape.
Here is the round up… have fun kids and keep the cameras rolling in 2010. God knows we need something to laugh at in this craptastic world.
Tish and I plan our future together.
(9:50:55 AM) Tish: nod nod
(9:51:03 AM) Selma: omg we could do pet recovery services
(9:51:12 AM) Selma: like Dog the Bounty Hunter
(9:51:16 AM) Tish: WITH GUNS AND SWORDS AND CHAINS!!!!
(9:51:46 AM) Selma: we can ride around in your truck wearing those alligator clamp fair feathers in our hair…
(9:51:55 AM) Tish: PAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
(9:51:56 AM) Tish: i just spit
(9:52:03 AM) Selma: hahahahahahah
(9:52:10 AM) Selma: the mental image is too much
(9:52:23 AM) Tish: is killin me! is glorious!
(9:52:32 AM) Tish: just the thing i need to vent my rage on human
(9:52:33 AM) Tish: s
(9:52:43 AM) Selma: hahahah
(9:52:44 AM) Tish: would be like good cop bad cop
(9:52:48 AM) Tish: you like ppl, i hate ppl
(9:52:52 AM) Tish: we both love dogs
(9:52:53 AM) Selma: AHAHAHAHA
(9:53:01 AM) Selma: I smell a show on TLC
(9:53:15 AM) Selma: we can be on after Steven Segal
(9:53:36 AM) Tish: excellent! we can do a ’seg way’ from his show
(9:53:43 AM) Selma: hahahahahaha
(9:53:47 AM) Selma: hahahah
(9:53:54 AM) Tish: we can repo a pet in LA and they can catch us and then help us
(9:53:56 AM) Selma: this is bringing me too much joy
(9:54:10 AM) Selma: I like it
(9:54:10 AM) Tish: we can spill our guts to them and they will feel much compassion and help us repo the pet
(9:54:21 AM) Selma: repo the pet
(9:54:22 AM) Selma: HAHAHAHA
(9:54:33 AM) Tish: then the next week we have our own show
(9:54:41 AM) Tish: DUDE!!!
(9:54:52 AM) Tish: we can go on TAPS and help them find pet ghosts
(9:54:56 AM) Selma: I think that is the most brilliant thing I have ever heard
(9:55:02 AM) Selma: OH HELL YES
(9:55:07 AM) Selma: I sense a poodle
(9:55:11 AM) Selma: yes, a poodle
(9:55:13 AM) Selma: it is angry
(9:55:19 AM) Selma: barking all the fucking time
(9:55:22 AM) Selma: there was a car
(9:55:26 AM) Selma: I sense a car
(9:55:33 AM) Selma: did you have a car?
(9:57:17 AM) Tish: i was laffing so hard, i started laffing at a customer and made them mad
(9:57:23 AM) Selma: hahahahahhaha
(9:57:25 AM) Tish: this is difficult to explain to someone
crazy ass virals of the day
I like the internet, it is full of funny things. Funny things that people took the time to tape so I can laugh at them and possibly make fun of them. It is a hard life here on Mount Judgment, the 90210 of bitter commentary.
I don’t know if this is real, there could be someone with a controller nearby playing… but I need it to be real. I need to live in a world where a fat ass bulldog can become a internet virtual skateboarding superstar. I need this in my life, like New Jersey needs to stop letting their residents get on TV
I have a Roomba, I have a cat, I have a dog… and this NEVER happens! Why?? I deserve a epic battle bots cat vs dog event in my house. We can take bets and fight them like chickens. Then you can call me Michael Vick and we can chest bump each other in a valiant show of machismo. Too far?
These guys have too much time on their hands, but that is pretty bad ass.
Breast milk cheese, tit milk cheese… boob cheddar!!
As I travel this vast land of the internet I sometimes stumbled across the cyber version of a drunk at a Waffle House talking about aliens. On this day I found someone speaking of the sheer and udder (wait for the pun, its coming) what-the-fuckery of Breast Milk Cheese. You heard me damnit! Breast milk cheese, tit milk cheese… boob cheddar!! Tatta Gouda!!
Now I have eaten some crazy shit, but I am not sure I can pull this one off. And I am sure that it tastes… nice. I mean I like boobs, boobs are great! They are soft and snuggly, and when you pinch the nipples real hard they poke at you. But Honestly I cannot get over the thought of chick cheese. And once you open that door you can’t close it. I have spent the last day trying to picture lactating females in one of those milking stalls with two breast pumps stuck on their girly bits. And is it Vegan? Is it fair trade? Can you get organic, vegan, fair trade boob cheese?? I want to ask for that at Whole Foods just to fuck with the snooty cheese dude. I want to talk about it a whole lot and then have a wine and cheese party to see if anyone shows up.
DAMN! You got knocked out!
This is just a big handful of knocked the fuck out. This is why I could not fight in MMA, I would have shot her. This girl got hit like she owed child support. Never put your head down without your hands in front of it. It would be nice to see women’s MMA really take off. If I could take getting hit without going postal I would so be there.
Justice for Teish
Stories like this get my ass…
“Lateisha Green was a vivacious, loving 22-year-old, African American transitioning transwoman living in Syracuse, NY. Unlike many young transpeople, Teish was accepted by her family. She was very close to her mom and siblings, including her 18-year-old gay brother, Mark.
On the evening of November 14, 2008, Teish and Mark received a call from a friend telling them about a house party not far from where they lived. After they arrived in their car, many (but not all) guests at the party started shouting homophobic/transphobic insults at them, mostly about their sexual orientation. Teish and Mark were stunned as they sat in the front seat of the car.
One of the people shouting insults, Dwight DeLee, a 20-year-old man they didn’t know, is alleged to have approached the car with a .22 rifle and shot once at Teish and Mark. Mark, in the driver’s seat, got a surface wound, but the bullet passed through to Teish and hit her in the chest. Mark was able to drive to the hospital as Teish was dying. They told each other they loved one another. Teish was pronounced dead at the hospital.”
One hateful mother fucker takes it on himself to destroy the lives of Teish’s family and his own. Because why? Someone feels different on the inside? Now Teish didn’t go to his job and slap the dick out of his mouth, why does he have to hate on her? To make himself look big in front of some skank? To make his dick magically grow three sizes? Why? Why destroy lives and homes because you simply don’t understand? Is it in the name of a god that is supposed to be understanding and loving? Is it because the thought of a male identifying as a female and choosing to live their life as such makes you want to puke? Well don’t think about it then! Find a spot on the wall and think about bunnies you asshat. I just don’t get this shit. It makes me cock my head to the left and lift a eyebrow. I don’t understand math and I don’t gun down math teachers. I hate stupid people and I don’t shoot them… however I do think open season spork hunting of stupid people should be allowed, if you can kill them with a spork they deserve to die. Actually reading this story makes me wish I had a spork and five mins alone with this motherfucker, I’d poke holes all in his ass.
You can read more about this here and here.
Spread the word kiddies, get angry and stop the hate.
Hardees, making me pee myself a little bit.
The idea of warm, sweet and salty balls in my mouth makes me… a little less hungry. Really, not sure comparing your product to something that has been sweating in boxers is the best idea. Just saying, I am sure there are some ball craving nymphos out there, but generally most people not so big on the balls. Balls in your mouth or not, good work on the ads!
PMS, Sally Struthers, Sarah Mclachlan, and Suicide
If you are female, and old enough, you will have something called PMS. During this time you will be cranky, your face will be plagued with zits in the most noticeable and irritating places, you will be fatter due to the Olympic swimming pool that your body is retaining, and if your me you will be struck with the sudden impression your feet are to big. Also, you will cry at EVERYTHING. That includes but is not limited to, those touching coffee commercials, god forbid a Sarah Mclachlan SPCA commercial ( I dare you to click it), TV shows, books, leaves falling, rain, dust bunnies, any contact with anyone especially partners, deep thoughts, shallow thoughts, all music, and bananas being separated from their banana bunch friends.
During this time there is one important thing to remember. DO NOT go home on your lunch and watch one of those Emergency Vets shows that plays on The Animal Planet. The title 
alone should warn you that this is not a good show to watch. At some point they will put a cute, fuzzy, and deeply loved animal to sleep. There will be crying children, sobbing adults, and heartfelt dialogue from Vets who wished they could have “done more” and talk about how the beloved pet was a “fighter” and you gave it the ultimate gift of “peace”. You will cry. You will snot up the house. Your eyes will swell up. You will spend the rest of the day reading stories off of the Lifetime website and crying. You will go home, put on the biggest sweatshirt and boxer shorts you have and watch Steel Magnolias, The Colour Purple, YaYa Sisterhood, Beaches, Fried Green Tomatoes and hell why not Old Yeller too. While balling into a bucket of Chocolate Fudge Ripple ice cream you will repeat certain movie lines over and over again, such as “Itchy tell me a story”, “dear lord, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away” and ” OPEN YOUR EYES SHELLY, OPEN, OPEN, OPEN, YOUR EYES SHELLY!!” Then you will call one of those adopt-a-poor-child-in-Africa-who-a-fly-on-its-eye-lid and you will in fact adopt-a-poor-child-in-Africa-who-a-fly-on-its-eye-lid. Sally Struthers will be so pleased.
*Eats more chocolate*
Re-posted and updated to take into consideration that Sarah Mclachlan and perfectly place kitten paws may very well be the downfall of womankind.
Selmisha drinks the nasty asian basil seed drink
So yeah that part I said about taking challenges? Yeah, well I take it all back. Someone challenged me to try those strange Asian drinks that have shit floating in them. You know the ones that people look at and say “omfg who in their right mind would drink that shit?” Well the answer is, me… however the right mind part is in serious question.
Lets start shall we?
That’s right Basil Seed. Who the hell knew there are seeds in Basil?
Even as I look at this picture I can feel my stomach rise up and kick me in the throat. Dear lord and god why? Thousands of seamen flavored seeds of goo floating in this thick gelatinous “drink”. They had the texture of kiwi seeds and the taste of salty man spuge. This is what Christians should give their children to prevent premarital sex. I just want those seeds to start attacking each other like you see in those weird science videos.
This is about the time we moved the trash can directly in front of me.
Next is Yan Wo Drink..
Apparently Yan Wo translates to funk of bird’s ass..
I kid you not.. I am about to drink birds’ nest. Now.. I know I should not judge but fuck it.. I am American. BIRDS NEST? What no good old preservatives lying around? Instead I get to drink bottled bird mattress. I am drinking some birds two-room bungalow fron fanous Thailand! WTF? Well my lungs have been feeling a little dry, so I will give it a try. And we won’t even talk about my skins.
Apparently they left the bird funk in the can… that I drank. Like a dumb ass.
I think I just swallowed a pigeon’s sofa..
I can’t even explain what this tasted like. Much like sucking Basil Seed Juice off of a bird’s ass. The only thing this thing is good for is chasing those nasty ass demon beans I ate last week.
Next installment I take on Peanut Drink…
Selmisha eats the nasty dried asian bean “stuff”
As some of you know I love Asian snacks (hush Benny, wait till story time is over) and I frequent the Grand Asian Market as often as possible. Recently I picked up this little jewel.
No visible English on the package, but from the picture you can see that it is some sort of dried bean snack. If you ever frequent Asian markets you know that you should always check the ingredients cause lord knows what you may be eating. This one was no exception.
Notice that its says “spicy stuff”. Now exactly what is that stuff? Is stuff FDA approved? Is that all natural stuff? Organic stuff? Genetically engineered stuff? Is it stuff that would piss off Peta? Is it stuff you found in the bathroom at Flex? Can you be a little more specific about your stuff? I mean I know that Heather and I use the term stuff as in, “girl you going to fuck around with that girl and mess up your stuff” or “ that bitch punched me in my stuff” also, “that bitch made my stuff itch”… WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED.
Annnnnnnnnnnyway.. yeah it has spicy stuff in it. Now this just became a challenge as I had no idea what the stuff is I have to see what the stuff tastes like.
Well here is what the stuff looked like,
From here out this will be known as the demon bean. Little evil gnarled up ugly ass bean. Here is the demon bean with its demon horde of little evil gnarled up crusty ass beans.
The smell was much like nutmeg, Chinese five spice, cinnamon, cumin, and moldy hobo ass. The taste was like eating nutmeg, Chinese five spice, cinnamon, and cumin out of a moldy hobo’s ass.
After choking down the foul mixture I determined that the actual definition of “spicy stuff” is in fact moldy hobo ass. I am going to go scrape my tongue off with a wire brush now. However this whole thing was pretty damn funny so I may start accepting challenges from the audience.
Help support women’s MMAs
Fact one: I have tits and a vag. Fact two: I love MMA. Like stupid super fan kind of love. I know all the fighters and their styles; I can do play by play of entire fights and call strategy while I am at it. I have been watching MMA since UFC 1 when Gracie wrapped a rear naked choke on Gordeau and I say these things not to toot my own horn, but to impress upon you my love of the octagon. By long and far UFC is my fav organization. The fighters are top notch and the promotions are well done. Dana White is one hell of a showman. And don’t get me wrong, I like Dana White. A lot of people think he is a loud mouth douche bag, and they are partly right, but he knows that and that is why I like the son of a bitch.
With all that said, let me say this, Dana White has pulled some brilliant shit, but some dirty ass shit this time around. You see Saturday is Gina Carano vs. Cris “Cyborg” Santo on Showtime via Strikeforce. This is some heavy ass shit for women’s MMA and a huge fucking fight for both fighters. Once again, this fight puts women’s MMA on the national stage and brings the question to Dana White; will he promote women’s MMA? Apparently Dana is none too happy about this, in an effort to protect the UFC brand he is playing UFC 100 on Spike during the Strikeforce event. And I would totally support this move if the rest of the card was big names, or Fedor was on the card, but he isn’t and with the exception of the women’s fight the rest of card isn’t so great! While I know this is mostly about protecting MMA from losing fans to Strikeforce, I can’t help but wonder how much of this is to keep from losing fans to Women’s MMA and having fans getting behind the push to get women’s MMA to the UFC. He used to say he didn’t want to see women fight in the octagon, then he said there were not enough women fighters to develop a division, then when EliteXC (shitty ass promoter btw) took on women’s MMA and the women fighters started drawing crowds it he said that there was no money in it. Now that another promotion has picked up the women fighters it seems that making his feelings known by giving away UFC100 free to draw people away from the Strikeforce event, ultimately hurting women’s MMA by default. Personally I hope Cyborg punches him in the nuts.
Dear Dana, no matter your feelings on Strikeforce, your feelings on Women’s MMA or your feelings on women in general… shut the fuck up. There was a time that MMA was considered a barbarian sport, chicken fighting for humans they called it. Men and women alike rallied around the cause and helped you make MMA what it is today. Yet, when another branch of the sport faces the same desire for acceptance your response is to try to cover up their fight by yelling louder. While it is fine to protect your brand, to protect your spot in the industry as the best in MMA, while it is fine to rally against Strikeforce, maybe the human thing to do would have been to let the women have their night in the lights and help grow the women into a profitable force in MMA. Then if the fans wanted it, bring them into UFC. I will always love you Dana, but I still hope Cyborg punches you in the nuts.
Click image for fight video!
Help support Women’s MMA, watch Gina Carano vs Cris “Cyborg” Santo- Sat. Aug 15 at 10:30PM on Showtime! Watch it and DVR UFC 100 cause it is really good and Dan Henderson knocked Bisping the fuck out. ! I will be having a viewing party at the house.
A friend in need…
is a friend indeed. come if you can. spread the word if you can’t. love is not to be judged by the conceptions of hierarchy established by man, but yet the fervor of ones heart.
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